i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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