Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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