Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
