My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I want to be your penis for a week.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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