I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
