WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
