a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
