i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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