The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
