It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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