Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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