I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Even my vagina gasped.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
