Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
