i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
