ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
