i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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