I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
