i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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