i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
