We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
