Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
