I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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