I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Boobs are out for the taking
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
