Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
