He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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