So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
