this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
