WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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