Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
