saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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