I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
