Just took my morning after pill in the library
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
