Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
