Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
me + whiskey = a bad person
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
