Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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