morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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