On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
