if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
