Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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