There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
