so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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