new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
