So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
