I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
