Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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