Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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