I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
