Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
