Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I love you. Go after that dick
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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