If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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