He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
